epic fail

eating started off good this morning. ate just fruit for breakfast and that was all. but then at lunch i wanted to snack on bread so i got a scoop of tuna fish too because it sounded so tasty and i split my samich with someone else. i even gave them the bigger half like a good girl. but then i just started to binge. ate mashed potatoes and gravy and another samich! ahhh food you beast you totally beat me.

so then i thought "dont sweat it mick, that wasnt too bad" so i drank tons of water to fill myself up for the next meal and at dinner i ate mashed potatoes, fruit loops, and three bites of sir fry. i know weird combo. i guess now that im looking back, except for lunch i did really good. i just wish i had the self control to only eat a few bites and let the rest sit there.

i always make a plate and start munching super slow so i dont eat it all but then everyone takes so long to finish i end up devoring the whole tray. its depressing that i cant sit infront of food without losing control. ughhh depressing. oh well! ill be on a plane in a few days and then home alone with a mom who never eats in the house so i can starve all day =)

day 1

took a diet pill. okay okay 2 this morning when i woke up. then went with a roomie to the store to get laundry soap and cold medicine (shes sick) and she kept talking about how i need to eat because i took those pills so i got some chips and dip at the gas station. about 300 - 400 cals. but i shared them with another girl in our dorm so i didnt eat them all =)

my bunk mate is a fat girl though. shes running around with brownies and chocolate and candy offering it to everyone today. oh curse you fat ass!!! i soooo want some lol but i resisted with a polite no thank you.

watching her eat is disgusting. apparently she went to fat camp last year (gross i know!) and lost a lot of weight and now shes here and when we go to the caffeteria she skips all the food. even pizza and stuff and goes right to the cakes and ice cream and pies. she gets one of each flavor for every meal. i cant sit with her. in the past two months she has gained back most of the weight she lost. when she changes it is the most disturbing thing i have ever seen.

but she is my motivating thinspo in a way. when we eat and i see the cake and stuff onher tray i go right to the salad bar. lol i hate eating the same vegis everyday but negative cals are awesome. and i can chew on the same piece of lettuce until everyone leaves.

too bad they all noticed a while ago i was pushing food around my plate and not eating. then i had to make food disappear so noone would worry and tell on me. then i start to eat and then i binge. and i cant purge because the toilets here are public and you can only claim upset tummy so often.

in short i have gained all that weight back plus some. so know food as often as possible until oct 2 and i pray all the weight will be gone. plus im running again and working out and when i get home next week i can spend hours obsessively working out like i do lol. i did run 2 miles in 16 minutes! im 5 seconds off from beating my record. i want to start running around the lakes when i get home. i should be able to squeeze that in once a week at least. those are like 3 miles or more. plus its hot outisdeso i sweat just thinking about being outdoors. i am confident i will be skinny again.

i need some strictley mia/ana friends to text and support me. binges are hard to avoid =( but i dont think anyone reads this blog. oh well.

keep starving lovlies xoxox

turn a new leaf

new fast on midsummer night called turn a new leaf. it was supposed to be from spet 10 to oct 2 but i just saw the post because im lame and has no internets so i will go from today =). i cant do a full fast until after the 22 because im in virginia where people notice my eating habits but i will fast for the weekend and then eat fruit and vegis during the week. 200 cals per meal =) and then full fast when i get home except for the nights i eat with nicky. but he is a vegitarian so the food is healthy and low cal. and one trip to raisin canes which i know is all the calories i need for the week but its sooo tasty!!! ahhhh lol. i know i will eat there so i might as well consider those things ahead of time. i have no idea what my current weight or bmi is. i will guess im about 135 (yuck) i want to be 125 by the end. so here is my list of things i hate about myself 1 i jiggle when i walk2 my skinny jeans look like fat jeans. 3 noone hits on me 4 my belly is a fat bloated mess that protrudes aver my clothes. 4 its gross when i take off my clothes 5 my thighs touch even by my knees. 6 my calves are huge and weird looking. 7 my thighs are shaped weird where they connect to my hips because of the fat on the sides. 8there is a roll on my back because the fat doesnt fit under my skin. 9 i look pregnant after i eat 10 my arms are fat and i have little hands which makes them look like they r connected to a weird midget chick. 11 it hard to do pushups n situps when u r carrying extra weight 12 i have a gizard 13 bathing suits 14 tips are better when your skinny list of things to do when skinny 1 be a miller girl 2 wear anything and look good 3 you look taller when your skinny 4 thin hair is bigger on skinny people 5 heels leggings and a sweat shirt only works on little girls 6 hip bones are the best places for thumbs 7 scene girls are skinny. wish me luck!

well fuck

i am stuck in a place where my meals are regulated three times a day. three times i have to go into a place sit while others chow the fuck down and i have to eat to seem normal... and all i want to do is scream "don't eat that cake fattassss!!!!" lol seriously there are some fat stupid little piggies here. and all the food served is greasy fried covered in gravy fat making. yuck.

i am trying my best to eat good but its hard with all the choices being not healthy. and right now theres not much to do during the day so its eat sleep poo repeat. OH! and no laxies allowed... no smoking no drinking. what am i to do?

at least its hot here. i sweat constantly inside or outside. i think that means the layer of fat is being removed. thats how i feel. either way im still the skinniest girl here.. stay thin lovlies!

day 2

so its the morning of day 2 doing pretty good right now. drank lots of coffee this morning yummm =) lol las night i hit up the gym for 45 minutes burned about 260 cals but i ate 2 ceezits a yogurt and a 100 cal pack of cookies which adds up to 220 cals.

i wasnt really hungry though. i texted my ex to say happy birthday and he texted right back and was like can i call you later? and i told him sure im headed to the gym though so make it much later. well he called while i was in the gym and left a message to call him back because he is going to the gym too. but his voice sounded so different! he wasnt my matty anymore. it felt like he was someone else... i dont know how to explain it but it hurt like hell. so i binged and im glad i decided to get rid of all foods over 100 calories lol. well there is a diet pasta worth 260 but still.... burned all those at the gym =) gotta go to work stay thin lovlies

day 1

day one of the fast. i was reading about fasting in skinny bitch (love that book! amazing thinspo) and it said it takes 3 days for a fast to really help you loss weight. so i am now totally set to go all the way to friday before i eat. friday night i plan to get sushii and then go to a party with some friends. i will drink and then saturday morning im gonna get pancakes and eggs =) yummm and then start another fast until wed or thursday when i have to go to the airport. wow thinking about that made me super hungry. but other than that i dont get hunger pains when i dont eat all day. plus i am drinking hella water and will definately go to the gym tonite! i love the eleptical and my most troubling area is my thighs =/ so im thinking 30 on that and maybe 30 on the stairmaster. yep super motivated to be 125 by the end of the week and this time i will keep it off! have a good day lovlies stay thin xoxox