epic fail

eating started off good this morning. ate just fruit for breakfast and that was all. but then at lunch i wanted to snack on bread so i got a scoop of tuna fish too because it sounded so tasty and i split my samich with someone else. i even gave them the bigger half like a good girl. but then i just started to binge. ate mashed potatoes and gravy and another samich! ahhh food you beast you totally beat me.

so then i thought "dont sweat it mick, that wasnt too bad" so i drank tons of water to fill myself up for the next meal and at dinner i ate mashed potatoes, fruit loops, and three bites of sir fry. i know weird combo. i guess now that im looking back, except for lunch i did really good. i just wish i had the self control to only eat a few bites and let the rest sit there.

i always make a plate and start munching super slow so i dont eat it all but then everyone takes so long to finish i end up devoring the whole tray. its depressing that i cant sit infront of food without losing control. ughhh depressing. oh well! ill be on a plane in a few days and then home alone with a mom who never eats in the house so i can starve all day =)

day 1

took a diet pill. okay okay 2 this morning when i woke up. then went with a roomie to the store to get laundry soap and cold medicine (shes sick) and she kept talking about how i need to eat because i took those pills so i got some chips and dip at the gas station. about 300 - 400 cals. but i shared them with another girl in our dorm so i didnt eat them all =)

my bunk mate is a fat girl though. shes running around with brownies and chocolate and candy offering it to everyone today. oh curse you fat ass!!! i soooo want some lol but i resisted with a polite no thank you.

watching her eat is disgusting. apparently she went to fat camp last year (gross i know!) and lost a lot of weight and now shes here and when we go to the caffeteria she skips all the food. even pizza and stuff and goes right to the cakes and ice cream and pies. she gets one of each flavor for every meal. i cant sit with her. in the past two months she has gained back most of the weight she lost. when she changes it is the most disturbing thing i have ever seen.

but she is my motivating thinspo in a way. when we eat and i see the cake and stuff onher tray i go right to the salad bar. lol i hate eating the same vegis everyday but negative cals are awesome. and i can chew on the same piece of lettuce until everyone leaves.

too bad they all noticed a while ago i was pushing food around my plate and not eating. then i had to make food disappear so noone would worry and tell on me. then i start to eat and then i binge. and i cant purge because the toilets here are public and you can only claim upset tummy so often.

in short i have gained all that weight back plus some. so know food as often as possible until oct 2 and i pray all the weight will be gone. plus im running again and working out and when i get home next week i can spend hours obsessively working out like i do lol. i did run 2 miles in 16 minutes! im 5 seconds off from beating my record. i want to start running around the lakes when i get home. i should be able to squeeze that in once a week at least. those are like 3 miles or more. plus its hot outisdeso i sweat just thinking about being outdoors. i am confident i will be skinny again.

i need some strictley mia/ana friends to text and support me. binges are hard to avoid =( but i dont think anyone reads this blog. oh well.

keep starving lovlies xoxox

turn a new leaf

new fast on midsummer night called turn a new leaf. it was supposed to be from spet 10 to oct 2 but i just saw the post because im lame and has no internets so i will go from today =). i cant do a full fast until after the 22 because im in virginia where people notice my eating habits but i will fast for the weekend and then eat fruit and vegis during the week. 200 cals per meal =) and then full fast when i get home except for the nights i eat with nicky. but he is a vegitarian so the food is healthy and low cal. and one trip to raisin canes which i know is all the calories i need for the week but its sooo tasty!!! ahhhh lol. i know i will eat there so i might as well consider those things ahead of time. i have no idea what my current weight or bmi is. i will guess im about 135 (yuck) i want to be 125 by the end. so here is my list of things i hate about myself 1 i jiggle when i walk2 my skinny jeans look like fat jeans. 3 noone hits on me 4 my belly is a fat bloated mess that protrudes aver my clothes. 4 its gross when i take off my clothes 5 my thighs touch even by my knees. 6 my calves are huge and weird looking. 7 my thighs are shaped weird where they connect to my hips because of the fat on the sides. 8there is a roll on my back because the fat doesnt fit under my skin. 9 i look pregnant after i eat 10 my arms are fat and i have little hands which makes them look like they r connected to a weird midget chick. 11 it hard to do pushups n situps when u r carrying extra weight 12 i have a gizard 13 bathing suits 14 tips are better when your skinny list of things to do when skinny 1 be a miller girl 2 wear anything and look good 3 you look taller when your skinny 4 thin hair is bigger on skinny people 5 heels leggings and a sweat shirt only works on little girls 6 hip bones are the best places for thumbs 7 scene girls are skinny. wish me luck!

well fuck

i am stuck in a place where my meals are regulated three times a day. three times i have to go into a place sit while others chow the fuck down and i have to eat to seem normal... and all i want to do is scream "don't eat that cake fattassss!!!!" lol seriously there are some fat stupid little piggies here. and all the food served is greasy fried covered in gravy fat making. yuck.

i am trying my best to eat good but its hard with all the choices being not healthy. and right now theres not much to do during the day so its eat sleep poo repeat. OH! and no laxies allowed... no smoking no drinking. what am i to do?

at least its hot here. i sweat constantly inside or outside. i think that means the layer of fat is being removed. thats how i feel. either way im still the skinniest girl here.. stay thin lovlies!

day 2

so its the morning of day 2 doing pretty good right now. drank lots of coffee this morning yummm =) lol las night i hit up the gym for 45 minutes burned about 260 cals but i ate 2 ceezits a yogurt and a 100 cal pack of cookies which adds up to 220 cals.

i wasnt really hungry though. i texted my ex to say happy birthday and he texted right back and was like can i call you later? and i told him sure im headed to the gym though so make it much later. well he called while i was in the gym and left a message to call him back because he is going to the gym too. but his voice sounded so different! he wasnt my matty anymore. it felt like he was someone else... i dont know how to explain it but it hurt like hell. so i binged and im glad i decided to get rid of all foods over 100 calories lol. well there is a diet pasta worth 260 but still.... burned all those at the gym =) gotta go to work stay thin lovlies

day 1

day one of the fast. i was reading about fasting in skinny bitch (love that book! amazing thinspo) and it said it takes 3 days for a fast to really help you loss weight. so i am now totally set to go all the way to friday before i eat. friday night i plan to get sushii and then go to a party with some friends. i will drink and then saturday morning im gonna get pancakes and eggs =) yummm and then start another fast until wed or thursday when i have to go to the airport. wow thinking about that made me super hungry. but other than that i dont get hunger pains when i dont eat all day. plus i am drinking hella water and will definately go to the gym tonite! i love the eleptical and my most troubling area is my thighs =/ so im thinking 30 on that and maybe 30 on the stairmaster. yep super motivated to be 125 by the end of the week and this time i will keep it off! have a good day lovlies stay thin xoxox

new goals.

So a few things. i am binging currently but only to rid my room of most of the food. everything left will be 100 cals or less. =/ i am getting sick … mentally and physically. my tonsils have been swollen for 2 or three weeks now. and i cant stand to eat but today i am letting myself go because i binged last night and i decided i need to get rid of the food in here.

i am down to 128 usually. i was at 125 for a minute but then i got kicked out of class and im being sent from the lovely west coast to virginia…

and next time i go to the store i have decided to get laxies for a daily use. yuck but so is the fat. maybe i will just get a colon cleanser and i have a bunch of acacia pills coming to go with those. =] so that plus my hopefully new found will to wake up early and workout again will make me thin. I want that so bad and i am up to going all day with no food. just coffee and smokes.but the next day i will eat a little so my new goal is to make it to friday without any food. and if i do eat it will be one of my 100 cal snacks. but no food until friday and then we will see how i feel and i may extend my fast.

+ the pills will be here so i can take those and the combo is supposed to make you drop like 10 lbs a week. in toxins and poop but still. i don't know how i will react to that kind of weight loss. the lady who did a thing on the news said the combo made her loss 25lbs in a month!!! that would make me 103. and i have to work out with my job so it would be less loss possibly but still!!!! idk how my job will react if i loss that much between weigh ins but im willing to risk it… wish me luck!

Stay thin lovlies! some thinspo for you. and sorry for not posting recently its just all the stress. i dont have much time to do everything anymore…

+4=+27 =D

I wish I was thin already. I know I have to eat so I don't become sick, so I don't rot my teeth and kill my insides, make new diseases to cover my guts, to replace the fat with hard tissue that kills me slowly. I want to be beautiful and small and thin. So I don't eat. I normally eat a small 200 cal breakfast and 200-400 cal after workout. Today I woke up late so I missed my morning appointment with the gym =/ I am going to workout after I write this and smoke a cigarette. But i had a test, which I think I rocked but after my usual pot of coffee, I had to eat something because I was too jittery. I can't run off of just coffee very well. There has to be SOMETHING to settle my stomache.

In other news, I feel good today, like I accomplished something =] I am still unsure as to what I accomplished though. I am going to get kicked out of the course either way....Being arrested sucks. lol

yep

just an update for my workout regime +5 = +23 points =]

Other than that I have been eating super healthy. Lots of protein the past few days which I feel I never get enough of any more so this fact makes me happy. Did some fairly HxC cycling today but only did 30 minutes. I didn't want to over do it and I had a killer wedgie which is difficult to pick discretely in a room of people. Seeing as I work with these people, it was a little embarrassing to have to deal with so I just cycled for 30 minutes and ran to the locker room lol. I really want to restrict my diet down to 400 cal a day. total. not add on extras because of exercise. I just want to see the pounds melt away every day. But I like to eat and when I don't do it for several days I get light headed and fall asleep everywhere.

Also I find myself thinking about exercise every minute of the day. I am obsessed with it. All I want to do is run around the track or lift weights, go swimming, not eat.

Any thing to not eat. And yet I do eat still. It's like there is this voice in my head saying: your fat. disgusting, dont touch that food, dont even LOOK! Don't inhale that delicious aroma! Go run do crunches pick up that weight. NOWNOWNOWFATFATFATFAT! I don't like it and I am sure I am going crazy. My calorie intake reduces everyday and when I go above 900 I feel an intense need to throw up. I can't finish a plate anymore. IDK is this healthy?

formspring.me

I'll tell you a secret http://formspring.me/stupidgirlxox

formspring.me

I'll tell you a secret http://formspring.me/stupidgirlxox

formspring.me

I'll tell you a secret http://formspring.me/stupidgirlxox

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/stupidgirlxox

formspring.me

lost one pound!

I dont understand weight fluctuations at all. But I am under 130 and I plan to stay that way. I want to add extra afternoon workouts on to my morning workouts. Points so far: +6 total= 18 =]

messed up.

This weekend I definitely did not do well on my calorie intake. =[ Friday I did amazing but I just let myself go on Saturday and today was sorta accidental. It's kinda like mmmm yumm and then i just say oh well fuck it im just gonna eat it all. and i was busy so i didn't even exercise at all!!! But it was tasty and maybe it was worth it. i'm not sure. weigh myself tomorrow =/ I think I lost weight. I measured myself and I am for sure an inch smaller in all areas! So I hopefully ate few enough calories this week to lose like 3 more pounds =]

so totals are Sat: +3 Sun: +1 Total= 12

It's Friday

And thank god it is! I got some crummy news on Tuesday and kinda fell off my diet excercise wagon. But I'm jumping back on today. I woke up super tired but managed to catch a ride to work and I made my coffee perfect =] Only ate half a pop tart too =] I feel like I have lost weight so I hope I'm right. Weigh in on Monday. Tonight I want to stay in and read. Tomorrow is Edna's nephew's/niece's birthday party. Indiana Jones and Tinkerbell themed! Supa exciting. Long run on Sunday with Josie =] I just hope I can resist all the tasty food and cakes.
So scores for Wed and Thursday are only +8 total. So that's a total of 12? i think lol. Pretty low but I have eaten well under my total for the day and I have a tasty bottle of water with me and fun plans later =] So that score should go up. I need to make myself workout later too. I have been sleeping in instead of going to the gym. But Sunday I will go to bed earlier.

Some thinspo for me today =]

28 day plan

Food
Water
Exercise
Journaling/Posting
Daily Self Esteem Challenge

Food
You must follow your meal plan (smd, shd, or whatever) or stay within your calorie range everyday! If you stay on your plan and eat within your daily range of calories give yourself 2 points. If you go over, but not by much, 1 point. If you have a bad day 0 points. (Since I am fasting if I go water only I get 2 points, if I have liquids, i.e. juice, then i only get 1 point. If I happened to have a bite of anything solid I get zero points.)


Water:
If you have 64+ ounces, 2 points. 32-64 is 1 point, and less than 32 is 0. Any de-caffeinnated beverage with 0 calories counts as water, but you can only use stuff other than actual water (diet Sprite, Crystal Light, decaf tea) for 24 ounces of your daily total. Just think of how great your skin is going to look after ALL that water.. no more pimples..no more zits..



Exercise:
If you work out for 30 minutes or more, 2 points. 20-29 minutes, 1 point. Less than 20 minutes, 0 points. It's unrealistic to expect us to work out every day, so you get a "Get out of exercise free" card to use once a week.



Post:
This one's an all-or-nothing. You have to post every day about how you did on the challenge. If you do it, you get 2 points, if not, you don't get any.



Self Esteem Challenge:
This is where it gets fun. Every day of the week, there's a special daily challenge that you get to select. If you do it, you get 2 points, if you don't do one, you get 0. Challenge points are the only points that you can make up later, though.


--Monday Challenge: Celebrate Me! Give yourself a facial, take a bubble bath, get a few minutes to yourself, etc. Do something to make yourself feel good.

--Tuesday Challenge: Procrastinator's Anonymous: Everyone has something they're putting off--this is your chance to finally DO it.

--Wednesday Challenge: Random Act of Kindness Day. Commit a random act of kindness--give a compliment, be polite to a telemarketer, donate to charity--anything as long as it's nice!

--Thursday Challenge: Try It, You'll Like it! Do a new exercise, make a new recipe that looks good--expand your horizons!

--Friday Challenge: Fun Day! Blow bubbles, go to a movie, dance, be silly, have fun!

--Saturday Challenge: Cleaning out the Cobwebs: Clean something in your house that needs it.

--Sunday Challenge: This is a make-up day for all your other challenge days. If you missed a challenge, do it on Sunday. If not, just plan for the next week and take it easy.

If you eat a little extra food, you can exercise extra to make up for the food points. 30 minutes for every 150 calories. You have to decide if it's worth it.

In your daily post, make sure you post your numbers. Your first number is the number of days you've been in the challenge, the second is the pounds you've lost and the third is the total number of points you've earned on the challenge so far. So if you've been on the plan for 7 days, you've lost 1.5 pounds and you have gotten 68 points, you'd just post 7/1.5/68. Also, tell us about your daily self esteem challenge.. let us know how you loved yourself today! Most of the time ana-life is so negative.. take a 28 day break and do good things for yourself every day.. and earn 2 points!

Saftey Clause::::THIS IS SERIOUS

The Day(s) of Amnesty..If you are having a bad day..weak..tired..getting ill.. STOP take the day off.. Eat "normally" and get yourself together. You get 10 points for recognizing your body's signals.. If you don't feel good about taking 10 points for being sick..remember that SUNDAY is make up day! :)) We wanna keep this safe. I want everyone to have 10 point days!

------

There we go. By the way another rule I am adding, the point of this is to go for 28-days, and keep track of points/weight/whatever. There were a lot of people last year that if they messed up would just start over like "i had a bad day, I am starting all over again." NO! you are not aloud to do that. The point is to go a whole month straight in order to be able to see and keep track of your results. So lets get to it all you ladies and lads!



So my goals are less than 600 cals a day daily workouts with josie and on my own according to 30 day make over and the only change i am making is i will continue to drink my coffee and juice =]
so today i guess is day 1. 6 points. i am feeling much more optimistic about this than the starve yourself diet i was trying to go on. I am just not cut out for full on starvation yet. But 300 ish cals a day will be fine =]

today

So I decided since I am starting a pretty strict workout regime with a friend, I will only eat the amount of calories I can burn. We burn anywhere from 300 to 500 calories a day so that is a decent size meal but I will be able to keep up and still lose weight like I was fasting =] I hope I can lose about 3 pounds this week =] maybe even 5! =D

Thinspo today: Audrey Kitching again and Hanna Beth
Supa glamorous

Tomorrow

Starts my official first day of dieting. I was supposed to be a part of a midsummer's fast but I haven't stuck with it yet. I guess because I made a deal with Josie to workout in the mornings. I'm super sore from the workout this morning. But I need to do it again. And then I decided since I am working out and the other girls who are participating are not I could eat something small once a day. That's fare right? So I can continue going and not pass out...IDK I feel like I'm cheating them.

And then for lunch I got out super early from school. Like I had a two and a half hour lunch. So I went with a friend to eat and I ended up binging on mashed potatoes and gravy =] yummm. I purged after wards but still. Cheater! So then I was feeling low and I got home and I was hungry and was like "fuck it. I already messed up today! So I ate ramen and strawberry cake =/ But tomorrow is an early day. My friend is coming to pick me up for work and he is bringing coffee =D So coffee and I will nibble on whta ever food he brings but that's all I will eat tomorrow!

Also I weighed myself today. I am at 130 lbs. 20 lbs to go =]]]

Now some thinspo:
Today is Audrey Kitching =] I think she is lovely and I want to look like her one day